F9 is… certainly something.

I feel like F9 effed nine of my IQ points.

The interaction I’ve had with this franchise has been minimal at most. I saw the second half of 2 Fast 2 Furious when I was fifteen. I rode the F&F rides at Universal Studios. I’ve seen the trailers for each movie, but never ventured to see it myself because frankly, I thought the movies looked pretty stupid.

And you know what? I was absolutely right.

Look, I understand no one should take these movies too seriously. They’re bombastic, huge… basically a melodramatic tour de force of hypermasculinity. And Universal knows this too, but they still try to make the movie more cool than self-aware, so it falls on its face. Regardless, me and my friend Adam laughed more than we ooh’ed and aah’ed anyway.

I thought about breaking this review into The Good and The Bad, but I was worried that I wouldn’t have enough material to write about in The Good section. So I’ll sum up everything in the following paragraph then list all of the terrible one liners I recorded because that’s probably more worth your time.

The Breakdown – F9 is bad. It is a bad film. It is bad because the writing is cheap and brittle (see below), the acting is uninspired, and the emotional moments feel tacked on. The chase scenes and gunfights are fun to a degree, but feel like the imagination of a 5-year-old brought to life. And the invincibility of the protagonists sucks out all possible tension. This movie doesn’t even qualify as a “fun and easy popcorn flick”, because it’s just not worth your time. If you want a great action movie that sincerely radiates cool, go rewatch Mission Impossible: Fallout or Skyfall.

F9’s Terrible One-Liners

• “It’s not about being the stronger man, it’s about being the bigger one.”
• “God is in your heart, and I’ll always be in your heart.”
• “Being careful is when you get hurt.”
• “My ass is on fuego!”
• “Always check your mirrors, bitches!”
• “Leave is a simple word.”
• “I know who you are. Do you?”
• “I don’t work for the competition.”
• “I read your second grade report card. That’s what I do.”
• “Genghis Khan’s little brother. Nobody’s heard of him either.”
• “A Ninja Turtle pop out on you, I tell you, I’m out.”
• “No, whatever’s on you… it’s on us.”
• “We’re all risking something.”
• “If Jakob gets his hands on this, he’ll be the god of damn near everything.”
• “Car don’t make the driver.”
• “My chance for peace died that day on the track.”
• “Nothing’s more powerful than the love of family.”
• “When you’re here, you’re family.” [Edit: Sorry, my bad. That’s Olive Garden, not F9.]
• “All I see is a scared little kid who killed his father.”
• “You keep digging around the past Dom, you’re not gonna like what you find.”
• “One week from now your dad will be asking you for an allowance.”
• “Sounds like we’re looking for Where’s Waldo in Harry Potter World.”
• “I feel like I’m in Transylvania in some damn way.”
• “I want guns, I want wheels, X-wing fighters, the freaking Millennium Falcon if you can get them.”
• “No one outruns their past, and yours just caught up to you.”
• “My death became the best way to stay alive.”
• “I will stop you. And that’s my promise.”
• “Cars like this are immortal.”
• “Immortal. Just like family.”
• “As long as we obey the laws of physics, we’ll be fine.”
• “I know I should have listened to my teachers.”
• “Go.” [Writer’s note: This was used about 3 times.]
• “Faith is not numbers.”
• “Everything I need to know about life I learned on this track.”

Overall score: 5/10